I love him so much, just as he is, right now. I love his little boy hands, his pudgy fingers, with dirt under the nails. His brown hair is highlighted naturally from hours upon hours of playing in the sun. He carries the sweet smell of sweat, dirt, and sunscreen.
I love his curiosity, his determination, his joy, and enthusiasm for even the seemingly hum drum aspects of life.
This morning when Weston woke up, the house was quiet. He and I were the only ones awake. He crept downstairs, I made him his warm chocolate milk and we sat and snuggled on the sofa. I enjoyed the pure happiness of the moment. I know these days are numbered.
With each passing day he seems to be growing more and more independent......I'm losing him. Soon, I won't know all the daily details of his life. He'll be starting school, where he'll make new friends and have new adventures that I won't be a part of. I won't be there every minute to defend, protect and guide him. How will he do all on his own??
As the summer winds down and we prepare for school starting, I can't help but look back on the past 5 years and wonder,.................have I done my job? Is he prepared? Am I?
I know this is the first step toward letting go.....later, there will be harder challenges ahead as he grows, goes off to college, gets married, and becomes the adult man I dream of him becoming. I know I will love him always.......but I'm scared of losing the little boy I have right now.
He only holds my hand now when we cross the street. I hold on as long as he'll let me......and each time as he pulls his hand away from mine, a tiny thread of my heart is pulled out too. I want to hold on, to grasp the strings and not let it happen.....not let him grow up. But as you know, I do not truly want that. I want him to be the man that I imagine.......I'm just not ready, yet.
28 comments:
As I was walking into the grocery store today, there was a little girl with her mother- the girl couldn't have been much older than 3. her mom reached out and motherly demanded she take her hand, to which the little girl refused and went on walking her own way, holding nobody's hand. her determination was even expressed in her face, almost of anger of having to be told what to do. before I walked into the store, I watched to see if she would eventually grasp the hand, but she didn't. She was walking to her own beat, and her strut was fairly confident for a 3 year old(or so).
It wasn't about not wanting her mother to mother her, it was about a freedom that she needed to experience. And she was bold.
If any person who knows Weston misses the quite obvious determination of his person, they are missing something wonderful. My goodness! I see where you are coming from, I once mothered a kitten by allowing it to latch on to my little nipples, bu the milk did not flow!~
Joking.
But that boy will go on to achieve some wonderful things, and he will go through the battles of how much he "needs" you and Nate, but he will appreciate it more often than you think, less often than you want. He's an amazing kid! I enjoy waitching him make sense of the world.
I know your proud of that, I get a different perspective, and i enjoy the opportunity to share it with you!
Susan, my daughters are now your age and I do remember all of the mixed emotions I had at that time of their lives. I didn't think I could love anyone the way I loved my daughters. I really believe that being a mom has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I now see the Ying and Yang of it- the incredible joy and the pain/ challenges/ and whatever comes along. It gets better for me that I continue to grow and with age comes wisdom.
Lynn
Susan, you have broken my heart. I know exactly how you feel and I think about Ada everyday and how she is growing and becoming more and more independent. There will come a time when she will not crawl in my lap and tell me how much she loves me as she nuzzles in. The fact that you think about these things makes you a great mother and helps you to appreciate the things that you have and have had with your sons. I really try to treasure every moment (except the bratty, tantrumy ones) and I don't know what is going to happen, but I hope because I am aware that my baby is growing and is not going to always be my baby that I will somehow be able to stay in her life and take joy in whatever phase of life she is going through. It sucks to think about how they go away someday though...that they are not always "yours".
I enjoy this... you had me hooked on the Warm Chocolate Milk. I make cocoa, sometimes 3 times a day. Morning and bedtime are almost certain... in a sippy cup at least at night. My Ben is 8.
Mostly now he doesn't want to hold hands and cuddle if there is any chance one of his peers will see, but in the private moments he is still my little boy. when he is asleep he has that little boy face - the one I always love to study. That peaceful, angle face.
They grow up, and we are not raising children - we are raising adults. But do not loose heart, do not give up - keep trying for those moments of hand holding, cuddles and they don't stop.
My best friend told me that he kids would still cuddle on the couch watching a movie and sit on her lap even when they were so big she sometimes wished they would not!!
On a final note: a resource I found on Netflix was "Your Child ages 6-12" and it was an EXCELLENT study. It talks about the balance between them needing affection and boundaries during these years where they firmly establish their independence. Highly recommended if you have children in that age range.
Keep on blogging... you have sometime to share.
You made your old babysitter cry today. We take Maddie to college in two weeks and while she is completely ready...I am not.
Like you, I can only hope that we have done our jobs right and that she will make choices that will keep her safe. I keep telling myself that this is why we have kids, this is part of life, etc. And it is.
So, keep enjoying those moments. They do go by too quickly. But, aren't we lucky to have them.
If they find comfort in snuggling now, they will always find comfort in snuggling. My almost 22 year old daughter would DIE if she knew I was posting this, but...you need to hear it! When she woke up for work one morning (at 6AM) several weeks ago, she felt nauseous. Bad enough that she was uncomfortable, but not enough that she was running to the bathroom. She came to my room, quietly and kindly asked if I would come to her room, she needed me. I jumped out of bed (once a mom, always a mom). In her room she told me how she felt, and asked if I thought she should call in sick to work. I suggested trying a little food to see if that settled her stomach (or made her puke). After getting her some crackers, she thanked me, but looked like she still wanted something from me. I asked what else she thought might help and she said.........
"will you snuggle with me?"
Duh, YES! As we lay there in her bed, my arm gently around her, her head on my shoulder, she fell back to sleep. At 7 she woke up, said she felt better, called work and said she be a little late, and off she went.
So...while you may feel like the boys are growing up and won't need you, they will always need you...just not every minute of every day!
Oh how I hope my daughter (3) will always hold my hand. I am going to continue to live in lala land and hope that happens ;-)
Stopping by from Heather's blog. I love this post. They grow up way to fast.
What an amazing dimple!
Welcome, glad I found you.
Visiting from Heather - my boys are 6 and 3 1/2. Your post made me teary. Oldest is preparing for first grade - I was hoping this year I would be more ready than I was for kindergarten last year.
Nope.
My fear is that it will never get easier, sending them on their way. Ugh.
I imagine that didn't help. So very sorry!! Know you're not alone :-).
Welcome to the blog world! I'm over from Heather's blog.
The post about your son is so sweet. It's tough to let them go but it's an absoutely wonderful feeling when they walk back in through the door. I hope the school year goes well.
heather sent me too :-)
my 3 yr old starts preschool in a few weeks.
<gulp>
You've described the feeling so well... They keep getting more and more independent. I keep reminding myself just to enjoy each moment rather than wish for the past or the future.
Welcome to the blog world!
You have such a way with words - that post brought tears to my eyes and I'm pretty sure it's not just because I'm expecting. Such a beautiful tribute. How glad we blogging mothers will be in years to come to have these recorded memories to look back on.
Welcome to the crazy wonderful world of blogging - bon appetit!
I'm visiting from the EO!
My son is 5 and also starting K this year. I have many of the same feelings as you. I'm trying to soak in all the love and kisses and special moments I can while he's still young, because one day, I know he won't be so willing. Sure, he'll still love me something fierce, but it won't be as obvious.
Welcome to the blog world!!
I am visiting from the EO. Welcome to the bloggy world! :+)
Welcome to the blogging world! Heather sent me over and I am so glad she did.
I so understand this post. My little guy starts Kindergarten in a couple of weeks and I just can not believe it. I am not ready, but he is. I am just glad it's half day, I don't think I could handle full day.
This post made me tear up.
This is a beautiful post! Welcome to the bloggy world.
Sorry your basement got flooded. :(
Welcome to blogging. Your little guy is precious and this post really captured some great moments.
Boy, when Heather tells us to jump, apparently we all do! I came by to meet you even though I secretly don't like you since you know Heather in real life and I don't. But, I'll try to get over that:)
And you are such a talented writer. It is unusual to read a new blog that already has such a clear voice. Welcome!
Hi! I popped over from Heather at the EO's blog and have to say this story is wonderful. Hubby just asked me this morning why I went ahead and sat down again to hold my little almost 2 year old when she asked me to... again... even though I have 3 million and 10 things to get done today and had already held her for about 30 minutes. It was simply because I know these days are slipping by fast and I want to hold onto every minute I can!
Hello! I came over from Heather's blog. Great post. It is all to familiar in a Mama's life, realizing they grow up way too fast!
Hi, I'm here welcoming you from Heather's blog too. I understand that heart-tug balancing the need to let go all too well. I love your warm chocolate milk ritual. We do that here too.
Wow...Heather's got lots of friends, huh? She sent me, too. I might need to ask her to send some peeps my way...
I know how you feel. I felt this way with my first two, and now I too have a little boy starting kindergarten in less than a month. It gets easier, in a way, because you know what it will be like with each successive child. But still there are those strings you speak of, always being pulled from our hearts.
What a sweet post, but tragic all at the same time. I have two boys, one to be five tomorrow, the other is 16 months. The five year old will allow me to hold his hand still...the 16 month old already refuses. He's so independent that I think I pull the five year old along a bit longer than necessary, but I do believe he knows I need that. :) Welcome to Blogland. I refuse to call it a sphere, just so you know. I'm popping over from Heather of the EO. Happy Tuesday.
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