"What would have happened if I didn't have the c-section? I mean, what if I lived like 200 years ago... before there were c-sections or...... What if I was a cave woman?"
Can you believe I actually asked a medical professional these questions? Hormones!
Shortly after Weston was born, I was feeling bad about the fact that I had had to have an emergency c-section. I guess I felt like a failure. Pretty much my whole life I had been fascinated with giving birth...the miracle of it...and had anticipated the moment when I too would.... join the club.
Growing up, my best friend's mom was a midwife. I heard incredible stories about strong, determined women and how they brought their children into this world through their agonizing blood, sweat, and tears. I admired these women. I longed to be described in those terms too. I imagined what my birth story might be.
I read all the birthing books while I was pregnant, barfing (and eating!) my way through them chapter by chapter. Turning the pages with fumbling, braced, hands from my pregnancy carpel tunnel. As much as I wanted to be, I was not a natural at being pregnant. My body fought it the whole 9 months. After finishing the books, I thought I was prepared for the delivery. I had skipped the sections on c-sections (seriously). I thought I didn't need to read it (I was an athlete)!
When things didn't go as planned, I was disappointed (heartbroken is more like it). I felt cheated, and I questioned my identity. I began my search for an explanation (and an excuse) for my failure.
That's when I asked the doctor who performed the surgery what would have happened without it (not... my... doctor mind you,... I had a midwife). He looked at me strangely for a moment..cleared his throat a couple of times..and then said to me very matter of factly "Well, you both would have died."
OMG! AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! That was probably THE MOST horrifying thing he could have said!! You see, what the doctor was not aware of is.....I have this strange cave woman theory that I pretty much relate everything in my life to.
I think it all began when I was 6. Ompy (my grandfather) went on what he called his caveman diet. It consisted of only things a caveman could eat. Lots of fresh fruits and veggies, grilled meats, no processed foods.......you get the idea.
(Great diet, by the way - and if I followed it faithfully I would not be carrying around this extra 10 lbs of "baby" weight. I would have lost it...right after the baby was born)
Anyway, ...so I try to live as a cave woman would have (or at least how I imagine she would've). The guidelines include,but are not limited to,
-respect nature
-eat healthy
-get outside a lot
-work together
-share
-protect the small and the weak
-and ALWAYS watch your back....(there could be lions lurking nearby).
I think this theory is the reason I am such a breastfeeding fanatic. Cave women certainly did not have formula (more on my breastfeeding tomorrow..I am not rational).
Now.... (hands up in the air like "stop")...let me say...I only stretch this theory so far. I'm not a freak or anything (at least not for that reason). I preach this cave woman theory with highlights in my hair, while driving down the freeway, sipping a diet coke. If I really was a cave woman, I wouldn't even be here (I proably would have died of infection long before the c-section).....I gotta live a little!
The missing chapter is not only what I skipped over in the pregnancy books. It also applies to my life. I missed a HUGE CHAPTER..... The giving birth chapter. I don't get to sit around with groups of fervent women and talk about how painful it was, and how excruciating, but how I triumphed and gained a new perspective on the world. I sit and quietly sip my diet coke.....remembering yet another day.....when I was not quite good enough.....
Monday, August 3, 2009
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6 comments:
As a mom who should be a grandmother by now (lazy kids!) I can say with such authority that hindsight is definitely 20/20. Oh, to go back to the beginning and to do it again. So much of what we obsess about as a young mom just doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. It was probably "providential" that you didn't read up on C-Sections... you might have worried about it too much and who knows how that may have effected the outcome.
Nurturing and nutrition are very important. But give up any notions of perfection and failure. If you are available for your children, if you give them your time and attention you can't fail and in their eyes (the ones that matter) you are perfect enough! Focus on making memories and strengthening those bonds... invest yourself in them, that's what really matters.
Hi Susan- I also had a c-section. So many GREAT Moms I know have had them. I feel sad you think you failed. I think you were a great Mom even then...you made an emotionally and physically painful sacrifice to protect the health, well-being, safety, and even maybe the life of your son. That's what Mothers do. We will do anything to protect our kids. By the way, the reality of life even 200 years ago was that they did c-sections. They just weren't as safe.
from one cavemom,cavewoman to another "you rock girl". Love your blog.
you can't beat yourself up over this one... i won't let you. if i told you i had a c-section, would you consider me a failure? or how about if i told you i wasn't even able to have kids... that mine were adopted? would you think i was not as "good" of a mom?
and another thing, little missy, take it from someone whose kids are a bit older... there really isn't much time for my pals and i to sit in a circle, discussing how great we were for giving birth to our young (however it was done), between worrying about teen depression, college choices, boyfriends, girlfriends, grades, friends, jobs, school, pta, swimming (i'm intrigued by your swim past. mine are big swimmers), and on and on and on.
lastly, i can tell you honestly that each time my kids have yelled that i am mean or that i am the worst mother in the world, it wasn't followed with "because of the way in which you gave birth to me!"
mothering should be about the ones we actually mother, not about the manner in which we arrived at motherhood. i didn't have a c-section, nor are my kids adopted. i did it, apparently, the "right" way. but the thought of spending any time at all patting myself on the back has never, ever occurred to me. i think mothering is about the love and the chocolate milk you provide over and over and over each day.
i'm rather long-winded this afternoon! sorry! and sorry if i sounded too preachy!! i just feel very strongly that you are just as good (if not better) than the rest of us!
Oh my goodness! You are waaaayyy to hard on yourself! I am so happy that we have c-sections now, because so many women and children in the past have died during birth! You are every bit as strong and every bit as "good" a mother as anybody who has had a "natural" childbirth! You grew and nourished 2 healthy children inside and outside of your body! You should be proud of yourself! I am so thankful that we have cesarian, because I know so many women who would not have made it through childbirth or the child would not have made it. You are a very strong woman and a great mother! Be proud!
You know what, I had 1 c-section and 3 vaginal births. I beat myself up after my c-section. When I finally came to terms with my baby's birth was when I realized it didn't matter HOW she was born, it mattered that she WAS born.
Be gentle with yourself Mama. I understand the let down of not having the birth you imagined. I also skipped all the c-section stuff, didn't listen in my childbirth class when we talked about them. I wasn't going to have one. But then I did and I was heartbroken.
It's ok. It happens to many, many women. It's ok to grieve the birth you wanted. Just remember what you got out of it.
((((hugs))))
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