I'm Back

It took going away last weekend, driving up north to my friend Sarah's remote cabin in the woods where there was no Internet access, and I could only get a signal on my phone by standing on my tiptoes in the middle of a field with my arms reached out high above my head, removing myself from my life was required, for me to see the possibilities in the center of it.

When the car backed away from my house on Friday evening, and headed out onto the open road, I wanted to scream, FREEDOM!! I had been in a rut, trapped by the monotony of my daily existence. I was feeling negative, and I could see it was starting to affect my family. We drove away, my girlfriends and I, as the sun set and shades of lavender and terracotta tinted the skyline to the west. Driving through the rain, farther and farther from home, I chatted easily with my friends, my mind was relaxed, and I felt the anticipation of the weekend ahead in my heart.

It was a GREAT trip. It fully lived up to the expectations I had held for it in the months of meticulous planning. I spent the whole weekend sipping diet coke, knitting, munching on salty snacks and sharing old stories with my girlfriends.......and laughing, oh the soul cleansing laughter. I was at peace surrounded by nature and beauty. There was nothing I had to do, and no one who "needed" me.

We strolled along the deserted road the morning after our arrival, breathing in the fresh country air. We discovered a caterpillar on the pavement, my friend Krista gently placed it back safely in the grass. At the time, I thought nothing of it, but upon reflection of the lessons from this weekend I can see it meant so much. (As I am the Caterpillar and it's me she helped.) We carried a trash bag and stopped to pick up litter as we walked, cleaning the roadway as we traveled. It was easy to see it was one of the last weekends of summer, we passed people packing up and sweeping out their cabins for the season. I thought it was all sort of symbolic, all this cleaning going on around me, as I cleansed my soul, ...and my spirit.

My friends, who used to see me everyday and now only once every few months, could see the changes in me, but they also saw me as the same. They knew me when I was just starting out on the road of my life journey, before I came to this dead end in my career, and in my confidence. They know, just a few miles back, in the other direction, there is a fork in the road. Where I can go and make changes and choices. They have faith in me, even when I have little in myself.

We took the pontoon out onto the lake one evening. The wind was strong, and it was blowing change. With great gusts it brought in a chill to the air around us. A feeling that had the power to transform minds rode on the wind's tail. I could see the signs all around me. Birds flying south, people pulling docks out of the water for the year. The few bright red bold trees spotted along the shoreline represented the level of beauty the other trees could achieve, and in my mind, they also represented the possibility for my own greatness. Fall is a time of change.

I have a fear, you see. A fear of failure, but also a fear of success. I've been sitting on top of my dreams here for a long time. To be honest I'll probably still remain for quite awhile, paralyzed by the terror, sitting immobile, squishing the dreams under the weight of my anxiety. But at least now I notice the red trees. I know the opportunities exist. That's a start.

When I saw the Eagle perched high above, looking down from his nest, at us in the pontoon, it all became clear. He sat, like I sit. I know, an Eagle means freedom, the pursuit of happiness, The United States of America, the greatest country on earth, where dreams are possible. At any moment he can soar across the lake, high above in the open air. There he sits, with this tremendous ability, awaiting the perfect moment. With the way this wind is blowing, the perfect moment might be soon, for him, and for me.

Sometimes it takes stepping away to realize what you have right here at home. This weekend opened my mind to the possibilities and gave me hope. I saw what gifts I have, I missed my family so much, and I couldn't wait to jump back in and make the most of my life. I'm back from my trip, the one up north,....and the one to negativity. I'm out of the rut.

This post was written for Beth's "You Capture" at her blog titled, I should be Folding Laundry. The assignment this week was Capture Fall. This post was also submitted for Scribbit's writing contest about fear.