Soon the sun started to rise, and off in the distance I could see that the horizon was the same shade of pink as my sweatshirt (click here to see sweatshirt). My body actually started to like the idea of a little exercise. My legs began to warm up, my heart pounded and the acceleration in my breathing was exciting. It felt good.
My mind, however, with all the extra space to jump around, was not as content. It wandered, skipped and raced, but kept coming back to the same uncomfortable issue -my desperate desire for a third child.
I'm starting to realize it might be time for me to let go of this dream. Because of the course my life has lead, another child might not be in my fortune. I need to accept it, and be glad for, what I have... two wonderfuly fun fantastic children. (Which in a way is why it's so hard to let go... I know the third would be just as spectacular.)
This morning I watched as the night let go of the darkness with the sunrise, and I wondered if letting go of my dream would go much the same way. Like an unrealized dream, the cold darkness tortures and torments, but, soon it turns to pink, then new dreams of blue and yellow. Finally, it gives way to the light.
The transformation today from darkness to light was slow and out of my control. I focused my gaze apprehensively forward, breathless as the sun rose powerfully high and it's rays of light poured through the trees creating an enticing pattern on my path. It was not the trail I had imagined for myself. In fact, it may have even been better.
As my journey ended and I stepped up into the warmth of my house, the darkness was completely gone. I looked back through the doorway, with my little Liam in my arms. It was a beautiful day! Life might be just as beautiful with only two babies.....maybe.
This post is dedicated to Heather of the E.O. She is an avid reader of my blog and a great friend who truly "gets me". I know you love my analogies, Heather. I thought this one might be especially meaningful. Thank you for inspiring me to write :)
25 comments:
Great post! Very Heather-ish and I like it!
I love your posts.They are an enjoyable read.
thanks
It's such a hard thing to decide. I come from a large family, and now that my two kids are in school, I'm happy, but still think of having another baby. For several reasons, just one is the fact that I feel bad that my daughter will never have a sister.
I am often preoccupied with my desire for a third child, too. So I found myself really relating to this post!
I love this post :) You made me want to go for a run :) I might do that tomorrow morning :)
I'm seeing this dream too and wondering if it's one I need to let go of. It's hard. I'm glad you're embracing your current sunrise.
This is a very beautiful post. It really spoke to me.
Oh lady! Thank you.
I DO love this analogy! Maybe we can experience it together. Figuratively and literally.
Ryan and I just talked about me getting up early to go for walk/runs...we should do it together! I'd love that.
Great thoughtful words, awesome analogy! :)
Loved this. I have definitely been having similar thoughts lately. More along the lines of realizing I would be fine if I didn't have another child, yet still wanting one. Somewhere in between actually letting go.
It is a hard decision but I believe that in the end the things that are most precious are our families and knowledge - we take nothing else with us so why not try to get as much of those 2 things as possible!
Good luck with your decision and beautiful writing.
That decision is one of the hardest ones to make.
Being outside, alone, is one of the best ways to make decisions and to have thoughts come clear. Reason alone to go running in the morning! :)
Oh what loveliness. You've found the sweet half of the bittersweet and I'm so glad for you.
I found myself beginning to make peace with the fact that I would be just fine with my two beautiful boys and then - I got pregnant. I'm just sayin'. ;-)
Pretty post. Your writing is great as usual...
I pretty much know I am done with having kids, but there is always that lingering "what if..." Such a hard decision. Another wonderful post.
Holly
PS-there is something for you at my place today.
What a beautiful post. That decision is hard for everyone no matter how many children they have. I pray God will give you peace about it.
You are a talented writer!
Running is a good time and place to do your thinking. I said "think" not "give up." Hang in there.
WOW! What a beautiful photo!
I'm just trying to get around as many people as I can to leave a comment. We have been having a lot of power-cuts lately, and I'm trying not to leave anyone out, so I'm just trying to explain what is happening here at the moment, and to let you all know that I have not forgotten about you all!
Hopefully this shouldn't last much longer!
Beautiful post. Praying you are blessed regardless of the situation.
Lovely post. Just lovely.
Thank you for this wise and lovely post!
Aloha, Friend
Comfort Spiral
Lovely post! Makes me think that maybe there is beauty in unrealized dreams. I think I'm just focusing on the wrong thing.
This post is full of lush longing and ends with hues of acceptance. Beautiful stuff. Life is but alternating sunsets and sunrises of dreams, realized and unrealized. We humans are wired to want, to reach beyond the periphery of our own bliss, to want more of the good things, the exquisite things, that we we have in our lives. It takes courage - and bravery - to admit that you might be okay with what you have, that somehow, someway, it might be enough.
(I too am a big fan of Heather's!)
This is a beautiful post! Although I have never wanted for a second or third child, I can still relate to the desire for more. And finding a way to be at peace with what I have.
It is written beautifully. Yet, letting go of your dreams is in no way easy and I feel your hurt. Of course I wonder why you should not have more children but maybe all I need to do is do some back up reading...
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