The not so Christmas Party

What was I thinking when I decided that going my work Christmas Party by myself was a good idea? (I've only worked for the company for about 2 months) What planet do I live on? I know I'm socially challenged. I mean I'm seriously a dork. I'm so self-conscious and totally uncool that I use words like "uncool" and I'm 31 years old and I worry about being cool.

I hate my face..... and my voice. My voice is WAY to low, and who can carry on a conversation with a face that looks like this? In high school, I didn't talk much, but spent hours making sure I had the correct jeans and shoes. Do you know what that got me? ...... slashed tires in the parking lot, and the words "Rich Bitch" scribbled across my locker. Yeah, I was well liked.

Not surprisingly, the Christmas Party this year didn't go well. First of all, I was late and it was in the city (and I hate driving in the city especially at night). I couldn't find a place to park. I ended up parking in the hospital ramp and shuffling a few blocks through the freezing cold with no gloves. Finally as I approached the building and reached to put my cell phone back into my purse (I had been talking to Nate so that my fear of being mugged was subsided as I walked four blocks in the dark) I dumped the contents of my purse on the front steps of the restaurant. I gathered my belongings and carried them into the party in a pile.

When I got the party room in the back, I realized there was nowhere to sit. I mean NOWHERE. The room was completely full of people chatting and eating (you know, socializing). I walked toward the back desperately surveying the room for a spot. A few people half-heatedly said hello. As, one nurse got up with and squeezed past me with a chicken wing in her mouth, I said, "there doesn't seem to be anywhere to sit" (i.e HELP ME!!!!) She said, "Oh, they reserved some tables out there" and pointed outside of the party room to a couple of lonely booths.

I walked over and plopped my stuff on the table. I was starving. So, I sat down and figured I'd order a burger, scarf it down, and get the H out of there. But, as I fumbled with my wallet waiting for the waiter and awkwardly pretending to read my grocery list (yeah, I did this to look LESS pathetic) I realized that my best strategy would be to BOLT NOW!!!

So I gathered my stuff up into my arms again and fled to the door as fast as possible. As I scurried back to the parking ramp shoving my stuff into my purse, I somehow lost my keys. I stood next to my car frantically rummaging through my purse as my fingers literally went numb from the cold. So numb I couldn't feel the damn keys when I found them. I purposely dumped my purse back out onto the ground so I could find the keys faster and as I picked them up off the asphalt (along with a couple of tampons and a lipstick that was missing the cap), I said out loud, "Why does God hate me so much?"

On the way home I ran through a gamut of emotions. I was angry, frustrated, and embarrassed. I called and told Nate I'd be home shortly, he really didn't sound surprised. Then, I called and vented to my mom, but when she had to take a call on the other line I was left alone to my thoughts, and I started to cry.

As I drove down highway 94 with my mascara streaming down my cheeks I asked myself if it was too much to drive though Taco Bell looking like a lunatic. I thought a Cheesy Bean Burrito might really help. (I then decided against it.)

I remembered feeling the same way on the bus on the way home from school in kindergarten when an older boy, Jason said to me, "Do you have a staring problem?"

Yes! Yes, I do have a staring problem and a lot of other problems too, SO LEAVE ME ALONE! I'm best just left alone. I come across much better through the written word. I really should just lock myself in a room somewhere and only communicate with the outside world through texts.

By the time I got home my family had already finished dinner so I inhaled a turkey sandwich and then my husband suggested that some retail therapy might help. We went to the craft store and bought a bunch of kid creation projects. It did help somewhat, but I was still a little grouchy at the store.

On the way home Nate stopped the van at Caribou and came out carrying a Ho Ho Peppermint Mocha with extra whip cream.... and then he drove around for awhile so I could gaze at Christmas lights as I sipped. There is not a better human being on this earth.