I'm thinking about these things and trying to convince myself that two children is.....good, plenty, enough, but it does not matter what rational thought my brain tries to occupy itself with, my heart still wants the third.
Wanting something you cannot have is bad for the soul. It rubs it raw, deteriorating it's purpose. It makes all the daily otherwise great parts of life seem somehow hollow and empty. How do you convince your heart of what your brain understands?
I'm not good at acceptance.
Maybe things will change. Maybe they won't. I'm 31 years old. The cards are not all written and set in stone for me. So I'm not going to have a third child now. Who knows about the someday. The someday does not matter today. Today matters today. I need to figure out how to fully accept and appreciate the life I have today without looking toward what I want in addition to it, because as I'm doing all this thinking, all this soul rubbing.... life is happening. My boys are growing. These babies won't be babies for long and whether I have another or not, I will be sad for having not fully focused on this time, the now.
I understand that. I keep trying, but it's like forcing on shoes that are two sizes two small. It doesn't fit. It's like a mocha without the whipped cream. Sure, you enjoy it, but you know something major is missing and not matter how much you try to convince yourself the plain mocha is good, you know the mocha with the whip is better.
I don't operate on logical. (In many areas of my life it would probably be good if I did.) I function with my heart and feelings leading my actions and my decisions. I've been living that way for thirty one years and in some cases it has served me very well. I don't know how to switch my leader to the rational.
My husband is mostly the opposite (which can make things interesting, and infuriating).
I don't know what tomorrow will hold. Today is here. I need to focus on the now and accept that what will be, will be.
14 comments:
I went through this struggle. It is so hard.
Ultimately I'm so glad that we stuck with two, as my passion for career grows.
But even so I mourned for a year at least.
Wishing you peace along whichever journey you find yourself on,
ann
I know that we are all spirit children of a Father in Heaven who loves us and wants us to be happy. I believe our hearts help us to connect with our inner spirit and a premortal existence that we cannot remember.
This short life of ours here on earth is so temporary.
We have been given life to learn and to grow AND to have a family.
When we leave this earth one day and go back to our Heavenly home the things that we will bring with us are our families and our knowledge. I believe we were intended to have larger families, to make us happy! Your heart may be telling you this, and you may be internally fighting yourself for more worldly things that in the end don't matter.
Children, grandchildren...family = true happiness in life and the life here after
I don't know what you believe but it is what I have found to be true!
Good luck with your decision:D
Yes, it's a very tough choice, but ultimately a very personal one. While there are many people who would judge you, is that really how you want to make your decision? It sounds as if you and your husband can make the right balance of emotion and logic to decide what's best for your family.
Hang in there!
I hear you loud and clear. It is terribly hard to live in the now when you're noticing the missing whipped cream.
Staying focused on the now is hard in a million ways, so I guess I'm trying to be a bit more patient with myself. Trying to not get frustrated when my heart and mind are going places I know aren't rational.
I just wish acceptance were a faster process...
I always wanted three. Then when finding it hard to cope with two I did another positive pregnancy test. I was shattered. I doubted if I would cope. Then my choice was taken for me when I lost that baby.
I faced similar struggle to what you describe here. To be content with two healthy kids or to push against my husbands opinion and insist on another try. It took us a while to work out what was the right answer. For us it was having a third child in the house but a child that nearly died on the labour table and a labour that put my life at risk too. Looking back we were very lucky but it could have ended with tragedy.
We don't always know what is best for us. We don't always know what our futures hold. In time you and your husband will know what path to take. Don't rush. You have many years to get this one right. I hope you can feel contentment in the meantime.
When it comes to big things like this, I always take it to my husband and then the two of us pray about it. I'm not sure if we're done or not but when I get there, I wonder if I'll have a hard time with acceptance too.
God Bless and take care.
Ahhh...((hugs)), Sweetie. Wish I had advice for you, but all I can give is hugs.
acceptance of things is hard. It definitely is a hard choice to make.
it's funny. i struggled with these same thoughts as the mama of two. but i feel like i knew deep down that there was meant to be a third.
and he came by surprise. and he's here now (2 weeks old!) ... and honestly ... i realize he's been with us all along. we just didn't know it.
what happens ... happens. and it's meant to be just because it is. you'll figure it out.
I always go back to the (what I know now is) very true saying "You'll never regret the children you have, only the ones you don't!"
I too struggled with this decision and my husband didn't want a third. I fell pregnant quite easily for a change and then Schmoo hit 2 and I thought I had made such a huge mistake - I was almost there, I could see the light away from sleepless nights and nappies and bottles and dummies and... - but she is here and she makes my life crazy and there are days I want to/do cry but SHE. IS. HERE.
And I am so proud of myself for following my instincts for once in my life. She was meant to be.
I will tell you this though (and nobody warned me - not that I would have really listened anyway), three is not just adding another one. It seems like everything doubles, the washing piles, the food, the rubbish, the MESS!!! I don't know why but I didn't find it as easy as going from one to two. Two to three seems like a much bigger jump to me.
Good luck with the decision and, yes, you are right, you have time on your side. I'm sure you'll make the right choice for you and your family.
I say go ahead, I mean He didn't bless me with any, so that's 2 extra spots!
Acceptance is a hard place to get to sometimes. I wanted more kids and spent quite a few years trying to accept the place I was in. For me, not having any more kids has been one of my biggest regrets.
It is definitely a personal decision and not an easy one at that.
Three is a good number. That's all I'm saying... ;-)
I'm glad you've decided to focus on the "now."
I went through this as last year the docs told me no more children because of my health. At first I was so angry and upset. I had always wanted 3.
As time goes on and my little ones grow and my body is now healing I am grateful for the advise. I need to be healthy so I can raise the beautiful children that I already have.
If you can have 3 and want 3 I do not think that it is selfish as long as each child can get equal time and love.
Nice post
Lucy
Post a Comment